305 pounds: my body aches

I lay in bed restless because it is uncomfortable for me to be in my own skin. Simple, shallow breaths are what I am able to breath -- the weight of my body pushes against my chest causing the reflex action of breathing to be a heavily labored event. My feet are swollen and cold and even if I wanted to put socks on them to attempt warmth, I would be unable to touch them without intense effort to get the foot from the floor to my lap.

Earlier today I sat in my car and planned my exit strategy. The steering wheel tight against my stomach pinned my body into the seat. It is quite the process entering and exiting vehicles -- sometimes I will sit just to make sure others are not around to see me move from the seated position to the standing position.

My knees are starting to ache and my legs are having a hard time moving my weight around. The longest walk I take during the day is from my car to my office, and then from my desk to the coffee pot. I add a few steps when I go for a pastry of some kind.

My life is repetitive and stressful. I wake every morning exhausted from the night before and scramble to find clothes that fit my obese body. I wear riped slip on clog shoes because it hurts to bend over to put socks and shoes on and then shuffle down the stairs. The car routine ensues and I am off to work. Traffic causes my body to tense up as my body is stuck in an uncomfortable position for so long. Work. Coffee. Bagels. Coffee. Work. Lunch. Chips. Work. Dark Chocolate M&Ms. More work. Out to dinner. Walk in the door and shed the tight restrictive clothing, frown in the mirror, and pull on stretchy over sized sweats. My days off include a lot of sleeping, or running around. Errands wear me out.

Sometimes I think I am having chest pains, but do not know if there is anything seriously wrong or if I simply need to take a deep breath. Using the restroom is embarrassing -- it takes a lot of effort to sit on the toilet, even this has become too painful.

I rarely do laundry because I am nervous my clothes will shrink and I will have nothing to wear. I don't take myself seriously. When I shop I look at dresses that are 10 sizes too small and rationalize a deal to purchase them for a later day and time. My feminine curves have been replaced with blobs of fat.

My life is a joke, and I am the cause of it. Fat hurts and I intend to use this blog to chronicle a journey away from this state of being. The plan is a simple reduced calorie diet and some hard exercise. Its a process I am not looking forward to but has become a dire necessity.